To the dumbass motherfucker who managed to dig through a cable on my road last night,

I would like to thank the leaving me powerless for most of the evening. As Christmassy as it was to cook by the dim light of candles the resulting indigestion that kept me up all night has left me in something of a shitty mood today and the taste of phlegm and pain that accompanies everything I eat is doing little to rectify the situation.

I could almost forgive you had the effect of stomach acid on my vocal chords been to leave me with with a suitably gravelly singing or speaking voice but as things stand I sound like I’m going through puberty backwards.

Learn to use your fucking digger.