January 28, 2015
Cracking post on McSweeney’s. Some faves:
BRAS – Strapping. Supportive. Always near my boobs.
TV SETS – Modern. Always turned on. With a warranty.
BOOKS – Novel. Unpredictable. With a spine.
CARPETS – Stylish. Rugged. Lets me walk all over them.
WINE – Perfectly aged. On a case-by-case basis. In the cellar.
KEYBOARD – Silent type. Writes letters. Gives me space.
SUN – Hot. Punctual. Always goes down.
August 27, 2010
To build intrigue, the accompanist may be billed as an android, caveman, confirmed serial killer who is shortening his prison sentence through a musical community-service program, or all of the above. Therefore, it is necessary for the accompanist to play from music sheets of binary code, create music by striking the keys with an oversized faux-wooden club, and play with ankles and wrists cuffed.
Some of my singing engagements take place late at night, in the homes of strangers, without audiences or music, and may appear to be elaborate art or jewel heists.